Coping skills…

I don’t consider myself a weak individual but sometimes things happen that really take a toll on ones ability to cope. I’ve been thinking a lot about cancer and what I would do if I were next on its list of helpless victims. My 46 year old aunt is basically dying of cancer. I guess I shouldn’t say she is dying but what other way is there to describe it. Her liver, lungs and most likely entire body, is for lack of a better word, infested with cancer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after my mom’s lung cancer diagnosis. My aunt did what they told her, she didn’t want to take any unnecessary chances so she opted for a mastectomy and went through chemo.

She took no chances with her life, she had a small son to think about so she followed the doctor’s orders to a T.. yet here she is, cancer ridden. She will most likely die soon and for what. Would she have lasted just as long without treatment, who’s to say. The doctors would surely say she did right thing.. cancer is big business. Even before I knew there was something wrong with her, I was researching cancer, I guess because it’s on the back of my mind somewhere. Among other things, my dad had liver cancer. He checked out at 58 years old. My mom lasted a few months past her 60^th birthday. So chances are I have approximately 20 years to live. Throw in my paternal grandmother’s throat cancer and my maternal grandfather’s bladder cancer and my time may be even less lol

I have to laugh about it because what can you do? My great grandmother had pancreatic cancer which spread all over but then again my crazy grandmother is still ticking, she’s going to be 90 this year. We all used to joke that she will outlive us all and at the rate everyone is croaking, she just might. I really have no problem with kicking the bucket but I will not go out that way. I refuse to be a victim of such a horrible disease. As far as I am concerned it is a manmade disease for profit. Our air is sprayed 24/7 by some unknown slaughterhouse chemical leftovers. See, it is illegal to dump in the rivers so instead of facing a fine or god forbid, pay to remove it safely… they spray in the air.

For years everyone denied anything was being sprayed, even though you can see planes spraying daily. Finally some pilots confessed, but they were told it was a particle chemical they are spraying.. to reverse global warming. Yes because it is so damn hot! We are burning up! Al Gore made over a billion dollars off his global warming campaign. It’s all about big business. Anyway, I didn’t mean to go on a tangent about greedy individuals and the corporations that fund them. The cure for cancer may be as simple as baking soda and marijuana. There are articles in the journal of medicine about the healing benefits of marijuana.. you have to figure there is a damn good reason it’s illegal and I doubt it’s because it get you high lol

As for good old baking soda… Dr. Tullio Simoncini, an Italian oncologist theorizes cancer to be a fungus. There have also been studies that suggest cancer cannot live in an alkalized body. Otto Warburg won a Nobel Prize for showing that cancer thrives in anaerobic (without oxygen), or acidic, conditions. He won two Nobel peace prizes in 1931 and 1934 so why isn’t his name better known? BTW whomever voted the peace prize to Obama was out of their damn mind, like seriously.. he is sending more troops in to kill and he deserves a peace prize? Come on lol anyway back to cancer… since it thrives on an acidic body you basically are what you eat. The Italian doctor shoots liquid baking soda into the cancer cavity. The results have been remarkable. You guys should really check this out  http://www.curenaturalicancro.com/ it’s a fascinating read. Imagine if it was only that simple.

Shortly after my mom was diagnosed, I remember reading about Rick Simpson. He was curing people using marijuana.. the authorities came in and threw him in jail. Here’s his website http://www.cannabisculture.com/articles/5169.html BTW a Harvard study found that the THC in marijuana does in fact cure cancer. There are tons of reputable doctors and papers written about the simple easy ways to fight and even eradicate cancer so why don’t we hear about them? Because keeping people sick is multibillion dollar industry.. look at that swine flu fiasco, so much for a pandemic.. it was damn joke, only the joke was a poison cocktail that put a lot of people in the hospital. Imagine if all the people that got that vaccine develop something even worse than cancer in a few years time. It’s a sick sick world we live in where profit comes before the lives of innocent people.

Anyway enough about all that… I have fallen off the proverbial wagon. My cold turkey decision to stop talking the married chick didn’t pan out like I thought it would. This time I contacted her first, she was more than happy to hear from me. yes, I know it is technically wrong but she helps me cope. When I talk to her nothing else matters, I am sad and miserable without her. She really does brighten my life, I know we have to stop again because she has to figure out what to do with her train wreck of a marriage. I had mentioned group counseling so maybe she can put aside her resentment towards her husband and maybe work on getting her kids to behave. She talked about getting a separation to see how it effects the kids. No matter what she decides to do I am aware that I am inadvertently affecting the outcome, just by continuing to be a part of her life.

I will do anything to help make this easier for her. I would step away but I don’t know how.  The thought of maybe never talking to her again kills me. She doesn’t even know what she is going to do yet, she can’t forgive or forget what he’s done but at the same time she wants what’s best for her kids. I’ll agree with whatever she wants, I mean I would never sabotage her decision.. even if it didn’t include me. I honestly do not know what I would do in her position. Do you stay with someone you cannot stand for the sake of your children, even though their behavior problems stem from his poor example or do you choose happiness for yourself over their well being… on other hand what IS their well being?

I am so much better off because of my mother’s decision to leave my abusive father yet I’m sure there are people out there that will say they are better off because their mother decided to stay with their father. Its like a no win situation. I basically knew what I was getting in to, I never planned on getting so attached to someone unavailable but now that I am.. how do I let go? We’ve been talking nearly a year, how do you just walk away from someone that has become one of the most important aspects of your life? Maybe when I find out the answer I can walk away and not look back.

I’m just mad about saffron…

Nothing new with me lately, there are no masterpieces to report on. Yesterday’s dinner was pizza hut delivery. I ordered one ham, one pepperoni, one sausage and of course an order of bread sticks. It was supposed to be a special, you pay $5 a pizza… add the garlic bread and a pepsi and I somehow got suckered out of 26 bucks!  I should report them for false advertising damnit.

Crooks!

Tonight’s dinner was a tried and true crock pot recipe, actually I only tried it once and since I lived to talk about it, it’s a winner lol it was chicken and potatoes. I lined the bottom of the crock pot with whole potatoes then put orange slices on top as a way to keep the smaller ingredients from falling to the bottom and burning. I placed the chicken thighs on top of that and then sprinkled the entire concoction with my 3 ever present ingredients. It came out great.

I also made this…

I wonder if it would taste different with fake saffron.

when I saw the package the first thing I thought about was the song.. if you are not familiar with the song, here it is.

“they call me mellow yellow” now since I don’t really have one clue wtf Saffron is, I do what I always do when I have no clue… I look it up!

Wikipedia says, it is a spice derived from the flower of the saffron crocus

WTF? It's not even yellow!

BTW I do not normally EVER reference Wikipedia because anyone can add and edit the content but in this case I’ll take their word for it.

I also looked up the meaning of the song. Apparently the song is a tribute to the Beatles song “yellow submarine” or it’s about smoking banana peels lol http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/112935/

Anyway.. the rice was delicious so who cares lol In other news, I am bored to tears so I guess i’ll go find something to do.

Adios

Dinner & Gallstones

Tonight I attempted to make chicken cacciatore.. and yes I looked up the correct spelling lol I saw bobby flay and a NYC fireman/chef do a chicken cacciatore battle a few weeks ago.  And now that I have done a search for it, here it is http://www.foodnetwork.com/throwdown-with-bobby-flay/chicken-cacciatore/index.html gee I never thought to look lol I could have followed an actual recipe! Oh well, I tried it the improvising way… MY WAY! So I remember a little of the ingredients they used back when that episode aired. I remembered thinking hey it uses my three ever present ingredients so maybe I can make it.

First of all I flowered (?) lol … I coated some chicken thighs with flour and browned them for maybe ten minutes on each side. Ok so they don’t look too brown but maybe it’s the flour I used, hell if I know lol

Maybe Beige lol

I then took them out and placed them aside while I worked on the sauce/flavor. I should probably change my three ever present ingredients to four since I always sauté them in olive oil. I put my fav ingredients (garlic, onion, green bell pepper) in a pot and let them cook for a few minutes. I didn’t want them to cook too long because the garlic burns easily.

You can't go wrong with these three

I then added a can of diced tomatoes.. a pound worth! I threw in ¾ cups of white wine, just because the tomatoes were red.. I wanted to go with white. I sprinkled some Italian seasoning, poured in a can of chicken broth and let that crap boil. It was giving off a good aroma if I do say so myself. I put the chicken back in and covered it, I let it boil for maybe an hour.

The bubbles are not botchulism damnit lol

I thought about adding a small can of tomato sauce but I figured one pound of diced tomatoes should leave enough flavor. I cooked some white rice and spooned some of my creation on top. Tada

Viola

It was quite good, it could have used a can of sauce if only for appearances. But I give it a thumbs up and so does granny lol

In other news my friend “shifty red” is having a gallbladder attack.. I am walking her through the pain.. kind of like a Lamaze coach but instead of a baby she either has to take a huge shit or pass a gallstone lol I used to have terrible gallstone attacks.. the pain was so intense it would drop me to my knees.. I remember crawling on the floor for hours during one attack. Memories of pain usually subside as the years go by but that is one pain I remember well.. the other is a massive toothache that caused my head and neck to feel like I was being skinned alive! Ahh the memories lol

Those little bastards cause terrible pain

My advice to shifty as well as anyone else going through such a horrible ordeal is… REMOVE THEM!!!! Lol hmm I should look up alternatives to surgery. Found a few interesting sites http://www.ehow.com/way_5282684_natural-remedy-gallstones.html hopefully some of these suggestions will help. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.. well maybe I would lol

ok adios for now.

Odds N Ends and Dinner.

Hello people searching for a glimpse of Matt Kemp.. He’s not here but I will add my two cents on that smear campaign the media is putting him through. I think there are far more important issues at hand than trumped up charges that have been dismissed… leave Matt alone and let him help the Dodgers on to numerous victories.

Now if the media really wanted some good dirt to report on it doesn’t get any better than this..

Pharmaceutical lies and propaganda.. busted. Not that anyone will report on it, no sir re.. they gotta pay the bills and guess who signs the checks.. good old pharmaceuticals.

I had a headache most of last night so I am extremely sleep deprived. I spent the last 5 hours trying to remove a horrible virus called Antivirus live.. it disguises itself as an antivirus remover but its really the virus itself. My dorky younger sister “accidentally” somehow downloaded it. it was a nightmare to remove but with the help of another computer, a usb drive and some real antivirus programs, I was able to remove it.

For those with a similar problem, this website helped tremendously http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/virus-removal/remove-antivirus-live

I tried to keep busy today, I started to clear the many weeds that the rain has rejuvenated. When that got tiresome I came inside and thought about what to make for dinner. I had 3 pounds of pork butt so I thought hmmm maybe it would taste good in a stew. There were two pieces one was larger than the other so I chopped the larger piece up into one inch squares. I heated the pot and added my 3 ever present ingredients… chopped garlic, onions and bell peppers. Then I threw the meat in and added some water. I let that boil for an hour. I still had that extra piece so I decided to try a pulled pork recipe given to me by my friend “shifty red”

I tried her recipe before but I wasn’t happy with the results.. for one I used pork shoulder so unfortunately the meat wasn’t as tender as I hoped. Also I didn’t really care for the BBQ sauce she had me use. So this time around I improvised, it was only one pound of pork so I used a 4 quart slow cooker. I put a tablespoon of olive oil followed by my three ever present ingredients, and two tablespoons of mesquite liquid smoke. I put the meat in and then added more liquid smoke and brown sugar on top. I’m not sure what BBQ sauce her recipe called for but I do know I substituted it for KC Masterpiece (original) I let it cook a good three hours.

Not Poo lol

I shredded it and put it in sandwich.. it was a big hit, It tasted kind of like a Mc Rib but way better lol  now that I know how to make it, next time I will make more.

Back to the stew… I chopped potatoes, carrots, threw in a can of diced tomatoes and some spices. I’ve been using turmeric a lot lately.. I’m not sure what it is but it’s supposed to be insanely good for you. All I know is it turns whatever you are cooking yellow and leaves a slight flavor albeit hard to describe. (a good one). I think I even put a few dashes of chicken bouillon.. I figured it couldn’t hurt lol I’ve been having fun experimenting with my kid.. she thinks I’m crazy yet brilliant lol

A pic of the stew http://dailybooth.com/grneggzham/2774854

More on turmeric http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=78

Well, that’s about all for now. I thought about taking a very long break from the internet world and I still might but I probably won’t stop blogging although I might start a new blog and leave this dormant. We shall see… ok ciao for now.

I am an amazing genius!

I am kid free tonight so I won’t be cooking any masterpieces. My daughter is staying over her cousins house.  Here’s the cinnamon frosting and the buns that earned me the label of genius.

They also called me amazing lol

I melted butter and mixed in a teaspoonful of vanilla and maybe a cup of powdered sugar. Kids are easily impressed lol I didn’t realize how much my daughter has grown. She comes over all the time but we don’t actually talk about too much. I mean I do try, I have asked her what’s going on in her 9 year old world but she usually gives vague answers, except when talking about the dodgers or the Jonas brothers. Her mom called yesterday said she saw a friend of my daughters in the hospital.( he was visiting someone) My kid nearly flipped out, she was so excited you would think she just won a private concert by the Jonas bros.

Apparently this kid was her best friend throughout elementary school, he went to another school and she lost his number. After she hung up all she did was talk about this kid, it was driving me bananas but I pretended not to mind. I was doing the dreaded dishes when she said that she doesn’t want her other cousin to find out she’s talking to him. I asked why and she said because she used to have a crush on him, then confessed and said she still does and her cousin will tell the boy.

Now I don’t mind her having crush on some unobtainable Jonas brother but a real boy? Ugh.. I don’t like it one bit. I mean he may be nice enough but hey I was a young boy once and I know where his brain will be in a few years. Anyway, throughout the night she kept calling her mom to either ask what she’s doing or say goodnight.. or so she claimed. As soon as she got on the phone she asked about that damn boy lol I hope he has normal parents and not some inbred hillbillies or some uncaring ghetto people. BTW ghetto has nothing to do with where you live anymore, you can be in a Beverly hills mansion and still be ghetto as hell lol

I must remind myself to grill her mother tomorrow to see if she met the boy’s parents or has heard anything incriminating against them. Maybe I’ll invite the little punk over and see how rotten he is with my own eyes. I hate that kids grow up so damn fast, damn growth hormones in our food! A friend mine was telling me how she started crying because her ten year old daughter started her period. That wasn’t something I particularly wanted to hear or even ever think about happening to my own kid. I might end up like my friend and cry lol

Enough about that horrific thought, on to something slightly more pleasant.. I have the world’s worst headache. It’s right in the front of my head and I cannot for the life of me find any pain pills. I made me a cup of coffee, I figured it couldn’t hurt and besides I love the taste. Maybe my head hurts from thinking too much, or from feeling sad and angry. Yes, it all revolves around that same woman. I’m angry not at her but the situation and maybe myself. How foolish of me to get involved with someone unavailable.

I sometimes wish she would have never contacted me if only because its very painful to give her up. I know I am better off for having known her but it still sucks. Now that the weather has cleared for a few days I am going to try to keep as busy as humanly possible. I need to stay off of my computer, Its supposed to rain again on Tuesday but we should have clear skies after wards.. at least for a few days. It’s almost spring so I have to get the garden (if I had one lol) ready for my annual tomatoes.

Maybe I will make a vegetable garden, I won’t eat them of course but I can feed them to my 89 year old grandmother and my kid. I do like snap peas so I’ll be sure to plant some. I’ve thought of planning a herb garden in an old aquarium I have. It used to house my iguana; I had to let it go free because it was kind of wild. Every time I would try to pick it up it would scratch the hell out of my arms. I found it in the backyard, my cat attacked it so it was injured when I saw my dog chasing it, good thing my dog was obese or she would have caught up to it and eaten it lol

I had it for around a year but decided it would be better off outside so I released it in the community gardens amidst tons of vegetables.. Hopefully it survived. It’s been gone maybe 5 years now.. I remember my neighbor telling me how she had one once and let it go only to have it return a year later.. when I freed mine it was two feet long. I DO NOT want to see it on my doorstep ever again lol they grow up to 6 feet long.. ugh no thanks.

Anyway i guess I’ll go tear this place apart, I need a damn Tylenol!  Adios all.

Too much coffee.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night (like the song) for some reason I tossed and turned and let my mind wander where it shouldn’t. I woke up super early, took a shower and headed out to brave the elements. The rain was crazy in some areas; there was even a tornado watch for most of the week. I had a huge mug of coffee from 7-11. The mug is around $3 but the refills are only .99

32 ounce.. I think

I added hazelnut, Irish cream and dark mountain roast to my mug. Then I topped it off with marshmallows, vanilla and cappuccino.. it was delicious. And if that wasn’t enough coffee for one day I just had another cup, this time home brewed dark roast. I added Italian sweet cream, it’s a new creamer from coffee mate. It’s very good.

I saw a dog being rescued from the L.A River on T.V today, it was nice that the fire dept went down to get him. I’m sure if they hadn’t they would be rescuing some fool who jumped in trying to rescue the dog.

I found the video it was great to watch live, I felt sorry for the dog at the time. It must have been very scared. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/22/ktlas-live-coverage-of-do_n_433387.html?&just_reloaded=1

I’ve been cooking a lot lately, I’m in charge of the most fantastical dinners ( well, they aren’t TOO bad ) my daughter is staying with me for the week while her mom is out of town so I make her taste everything I cook lol so far she approves. Tonight’s dinner was sirloin beef strips. I marinated them with a rub I found in the cabinet.

Rub a dub dub

Then I put them in the broiler for 5 minutes each side. I tested one and it looked a little on the alive side so I put it back in for another 3-5 minutes each side. I took them out when they were medium rare.

Not too bloody

The blood you see on the cutting board is from the original batch that was still walking lol they were very good. I was worried I would over cook them and they would end up cutting my throat lol but they were just right.

Perfectly cooked.

Btw you know you had too much coffee when you go to pee and instead of urine, espresso comes out lol

Therapeutic?

I have decided to utilize this blog as therapy. When I can’t sleep I will blog about nothing just to keep me from thinking about “her” even though I constantly think about her anyway. I’ll try not to turn this into a shrine to her, but it just might turn out to be lol I figure the more I talk about it, or in this case write, the better I will feel. But I do feel ok about things right now, although I was feeling sad and angry at the same time earlier. Part of me feels it’s unfair yet it would be foolish of me to have ignored the risks that come from talking to someone that is already spoken for.

Anyway, I won’t dwell on that right now. I spent the day trying to catch up on some washing. I had a pile of clothes that needed some attention. It poured rain pretty much the entire day. it’s actually quieted down a bit for now. I ran a few errands earlier, bills, grocery store, etc. I was starving so I stopped at a place called the Hawaiian barbeque. http://www.hawaiianbarbecue.com/ I ordered the BBQ mix, it came with two heaps of rice, macaroni salad, chicken, ribs and beef. It was delicious but very salty. I uploaded a picture of it. http://dailybooth.com/grneggzham/2707051

It was a large portion that cost a little under $9.00. Not bad for some good BBQ, unfortunately I ate the whole thing and felt sooooooooo stuffed afterwards that I didn’t even want to walk into the store lol the sight of meat made me want to vomit but I figured it’s better to go to the grocery store on a full stomach than an empty one.  I think I spoke too soon about that rain, it just started pouring again. I’ve been keeping busy by adding my two cents to people’s problems. I figured if I cannot help myself I may as well try to help others.

I thought about asking some questions about the relationship I shared with her, I thought about asking people what’s the best or easiest way to get over it. I know the advice they would give.. keep busy they would say. I know idle time is not productive. Come to think of it that’s how I met her, I had too much time on my hands. I was in Miami and could never get used to the time difference so while the rest of Miami slept me and the tourists were wide awake. I started passing time by talking to her, before I knew it the time would fly by.

There never seemed to be enough time to talk to her anymore, time would speed by us and before we knew it was time to say goodnight. Out of everything I will miss her friendship most. Over the course of a year she became my best friend, we told each other absolutely everything. There was nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, we trusted each other so deeply.. it just felt right. I know I have to get over her and I know it’s going to take some time but if she can do it, I can do it.

Well, it’s late and I should probably go to bed where its warm. It’s snowing in the mountains.. maybe I will go check it out once this rain dries up a bit. That may be a few weeks away though.

Ok goodnight all.

Extremely long and personal.

To Matt Kemp fans: He is not in the blog so move along.

I shall talk about something very personal and special to me. For nearly a year now I have shared an incredible bond with a woman online. I was not looking for anything or anyone to share anything with, it just happened. I wrote about her before and even tried to give her up but we couldn’t stop “this”. She was in a very unhappy marriage and I was battling daily grief and personal insecurities. I think we needed each other at the time. She needed support and understanding that she wasn’t getting at home. And I needed someone to bring the laughter back into my life.

We used to send each other quizzes, favorite color, animals, things we’ve done, things we want to do… etc. we would laugh over our silly answers. It wasn’t long before we felt a deep connection. There was so much mutual respect and admiration that at times it felt euphoric. Talking to her was an incredible high, better than booze lol I can’t really place my finger on it but there was definitely something about her that I was drawn to. She was nice and funny and incredibly intelligent, I didn’t care what she looked like even though she is very attractive. She made me feel like I was special; she gave me back my self worth and confidence that the previous woman took from me.

This was not my first online emotional attachment; there was another… a more volatile and extremely unhealthy relationship for both her and me. This particular woman and I were like oil and water, we seemed to push each other’s buttons, sometimes it seemed; even intentionally. I refer to them as relationships because that’s exactly what they are. They are just like a “real” relationship except they start from the inside out.  You don’t have to worry about how you look or even how bad you smell lol the best thing about talking to someone online is most inhibitions are gone. That being said, I would never look online for anyone.. not that there aren’t nice women online.. I have met some wonderful friends. But I really wasn’t looking and didn’t feel like I had room for anyone in my life.

It’s funny because I became attached to both of these women during times when I was most vulnerable. I was extremely sick once, I believe I touched on this before but not in too much detail. Well, now is as good a time as any to go into detail. I was born with mitral valve degenerative disease. The doctors said It would gradually worsen so I should seriously consider having surgery. Growing up I never gave it much thought, it didn’t bother me at all. I played every sport there was and received two black belts by the time I was 25. I had my yearly check-ups and while the problem was still there, it wasn’t getting worse like they thought it would. Fast forward to the eve of my 30^th birthday, I was sick as a dog and getting sicker. Walking was a chore, climbing stairs was virtually impossible.  My 225 muscular body was reduced to a 160 pound bag of bones. I no longer wanted to eat, not that I really could. Everything made me sick. I was literally on deaths door. The doctors said I needed valve replacement surgery so I had one of two choices… pig parts or artificial lol to me they were both way out of the question.

I was stubborn and thought it would somehow repair itself.. yeah ok so I was dumb but If I was going to croak I wanted to croak with my own parts. I opted for a temporary fix. They repaired the valve as much as they could but said I would likely need open heart surgery to replace the entire valve. As the doctors met with me all I could think was, you are all full of shit. I refuse to be a guinea pig.  Anyway, I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything so I stayed home and talked to people online. A lot of them were very friendly but there were some that were definitely missing some screws lol  I do keep in contact with one, a normal one.. probably the only one lol anyway, around 5 years ago the temporary fix no longer worked. I felt myself getting weaker so I immediately knew that I had to have surgery…. Again.

My outlook and my attitude was different than before, I had something to live for now (kids) so I wasn’t willing to take risks with my life. Luckily I was referred to some top of the line specialists, they said they think they can repair my valve without having to replace it and to top it off they can do it without cracking me open like a walnut lol I was excited, I thought hmmm this sounds too good to be true but I talked it over with their staff and looked at their success rate. My chances seemed pretty good so I said fuck it, chop me up damnit! It took a good 6 months to feel like I was 100% again, I hadn’t felt that way since before I had the original surgery. The scar from the incision is small; it’s around 3 inches long. It crosses by the original incision so I have a X marks the spot on my chest lol I guess it’s not too noticeable, for some reason the older I get, the hairier I become lol so if my chest hair gets too long I’ll just do a bald mans comb over on my scar lol

Anyway, back to my attachment… she and I were always on the same page. We thought that since we were both very vulnerable that perhaps we may be using each other or maybe we even created a fantasy world where we (she and I) could go to get away from our personal miseries. This may sound corny but talking to her comforted me.… she warmed the cockles of my heart, whatever the hell a cockle is lol . She seriously made me happy, I loved hearing the sound of her voice and her laugh.. She has an amazing laugh. We would laugh about anything and everything.  Did I love her? Yes. That is, as much as you can love a person online and over the phone. I loved her personality and the way she made me feel. Would it be the same in person? Who knows, maybe yes.. maybe no.

I guess the hardest part was not knowing if it was real or not. I mean every part of it felt real, the feelings she stirred in me could not have been fabricated.  We analyzed every aspect of our relationship. We thought maybe we had become a habit, or we were obsessed with one another, could even be an addiction. All we knew was that there was an incredible need to talk to each other. We depended and relied on one another to make everything ok. The feelings were so intense it’s hard to describe, unless you have been through it you would not understand. She and I talked about every possible scenario, what happens when we meet and if we don’t feel the same. What about if one felt more than the other, or what if we both felt nothing. There was one thing we could definitely agree on; we would have been amazing friends.

I offered to meet her last year right as my semester in Miami ended. It would have been a quick flight over.  She didn’t think it was a good idea at the time, she wanted everything to be perfect and she wanted to figure out what to do with her marriage before meeting me. To say I was not a little disappointed would be a lie but I completely understood. Her husband could less about her but she never wanted to be deceitful and she wanted to do whats right for her kids. Also he put them in debt with all his selfish purchases, a fancy pimped out truck, unnecessary gadgets. If you give someone everything, they won’t appreciate anything and that’s her husband in a nutshell. He was spoiled rotten as a child so he grew up to expect everything all the while appreciating nothing. I thought it was sad, she was resentful towards him and his selfish abusive nature and the way his behavior has tainted their children. I told her that no one can “fix” her children’s behavior problems except him. He seriously needs to change in order for them to behave. Negative attention is still attention.

Throughout it all both of us knew deep down that it would eventually end. There was this silent guilt building inside me and I know she felt it too. Yes her husband was an abusive, uncaring, selfish jerk but she was still married. I met her through a question and answer type website. Her questions were mostly about divorce, her unruly children, how miserable she was, how her husband takes all her money and spends it on himself. I read through most if not all of them. She was so unhappy.  I didn’t know her when she asked most of her questions but she doesn’t seem like the same person anymore. I like to think I have given her what she has given me, love and admiration and strength. She made me a better person. Even though it may be considered wrong, if I had the chance to do it all over again I would. Through talking to this woman I have found myself again. She brought out the best in me.

I could be myself without worrying about something I said being misconstrued. I think a big part of the attraction was our similarities, we seem to think alike. Even knowing that we must stop talking was mutual. When her husband found out that we were talking he was upset, understandably so but then he shocked the hell out of her and said he would change. We stopped talking numerous times only to start up again after a few weeks.. she was still resentful towards him because even though he said he would change, he never did so she figured why should she give me up if he is still going to act like an abusive asshole.

I personally believe that everyone deserves a second chance but this guy has an internal rage that he loses control over. It obviously stems from his childhood which is sad because his children’s behavioral problems stem from his poor example. Anyway, it was time for both of us to make a serious decision. She had to either fix her marriage or get a divorce but either way we both knew that I had no place in her decision. I asked her way back when we first started talking that IF he could change would she want her marriage to work. She insisted there was no way in hell that he would ever change but admitted that deep down she wished it would work out. She has so much love to give someone, it’s a shame he threw her away. I know she was never mine to begin with, but I am extremely fortunate to have had her in my life, as limited as it may seem. Even after all the feelings fade I will always be grateful for what she has done for me. I will try not to think about what could have been I will think about her and imagine her happily married, and smile. It is extremely difficult for me to not contact her but I will give her marriage a chance, not for him but for her and her kids. If it doesn’t work out at least I will know I had no part in its failure, my conscious will be clean.

Anyway, I am done talking to women online that’s for sure, for their benefit as well as my own. I did talk to another woman a few months after I met my emotional attachment. We also shared similarities however; the similarities we shared were not happy ones. We both lost our moms around the same time, she could relate to the immense grief I felt. Where I turned to one to forget, I turned to the other to grieve. Unfortunately, our friendship did not last. She wanted more than I could give her, I needed a friend that understood but she wanted something more on another level. I told her from the start that I was emotionally unavailable; it’s a shame our friendship had to end because of it. She was angry at times and misunderstood a lot but she had a good heart and deserves to be happy.

Looking back on my friendships with women a few did seem to want more, even though I couldn’t give it to them. I do have female friends but I have known most of them for years so they trust me not to want anything other than friendship with them and I trust them. Not that they are not nice people but there are compatibility issues that I wouldn’t even want to imagine. I’m too passive for most women, they like crazy hot-headed men that make scenes lol at least those are the guys they end up with. The cowards that bitch their face off yet would crumble with one punch. No I am not violent but I have gotten into my share of fights, it was never my fault of course lol anyway, I seriously would rather be alone then end up with someone that wanted to change who I am.

I write this for me because no one in their right mind would read this lol I wrote this yesterday when my internet blew out after a lightning storm. There is an insane storm going on right now. We need the rain but unfortunately the ground that was burned during last years fires is now causing flooding. So the same homes that were almost burned are now being flooded. I hope everyone is ok, oh and if you have gotten this far please consider giving a few $$ to the people of Haiti http://www.redcross.org/it could be you or your children awaiting aid.

I’m tired.

I just recently got home from a trip to Walmart. What should have been a one hour shopping trip, turned into a four hour bore fest. I made the mistake of going with my sisters… I just don’t understand why they feel the need to stop at every aisle in the entire store. I went there for an umbrella and emerged 4 hours later with everything but. I left the store $75 poorer and I had to walk in the rain to the car. Trips to Walmart suck when you go with chicks lol

Its better to go alone.

On a personal note I have decided to concentrate on finishing school once and for all. I’ve been on a euphoric journey this past year or so and while I wish it could continue, I cannot dedicate anymore time to it… at least not at the moment. I’ve been slacking and I need to get back on track. I’m looking forward to the spring semester. Even when I am done with all my requirements I am still going to make an effort to take at least one class every semester.

There is something about school that makes one feel like they are accomplishing something, at least that’s the case for me. I love to be challenged academically, I feel school sharpens the mind and keeps you young. Even learning about the mostly exaggerated, propagandized history of the United States can be beneficial to keeping your mind sharp.  I read somewhere that the mind is like a muscle (theoretically) the more you use it the stronger it becomes; I fully believe that to be true.

And good for you too!

On yet another personal note, I have decided to sell this house and move into my moms. While this place does hold some sentimental value it is not nearly as important as the house I grew up in, the house that was built by my great grandparents when they first came to America from Italy. This place could use a little cosmetic help but I think it’s pretty decent. It’s a shame the home values are so low right now, a few years ago I could sell this place for double and make a killing. Now I’ll be lucky if I break even, such is life.

I can’t wait for opening day at Dodger stadium, I plan on taking the kids.. that is IF the world’s biggest asshole lets me borrow his kid for a day. Imagine if we could pick and choose our family members, wouldn’t that be wonderful lol the funny thing is, we always got along as kids. He was always into things, building or fixing something and I was right there by his side. It’s a shame he married a demon. Oh well, he chose a byotch over family, his loss.

I used to wonder what he sees in her, I mean she is not that attractive.. or maybe she was but her inner ugly shown through lol they say opposites attract, I say that may be an initial curiosity but for a long term relationship why would you want someone that is so different from yourself.  One person will eventually become more dominant in the relationship than the other, probably to the point of becoming controlling.

I’ve also heard a lot of people say that the reasons opposites attract is, who would want to date themselves. I think I would. lol No I am not narcissistic or conceited but I do like me, I think I am a good person that tends to put other people’s needs ahead of my own. I guess I am a pleaser, a helper.. why wouldn’t I want someone like me? I have a conscious and I am very compassionate. I do of course have my faults but who doesn’t.

No one is perfect and if anyone claims to be then they are beyond full of shit lol Sometimes people say I could be too nice, I have been taken advantage of before because of my need to please people. I’ve gotten a lot better at saying no to people, or at least making up excuses why I cannot help them 24/7. I really do not look for people with problems to talk to but for some reason I have one of those faces that people trust with their life stories. I find that the less interested in what they have to say, you seem, the more open they become…. I think it’s kind of like the opposite of prying.

I don’t go asking for information, they just offer it to me. I am everyone’s ear; I do not discriminate or judge… I just listen and offer my paltry advice. That has always been the case, at every job I had; people would come up to me and start a conversation. For some reason they wanted to tell me about their problems so I listened. When I got online it was the same thing, people wanted me to know. I think it’s true what they say about everyone loves to talk about themselves… everyone but me; except in a blog lol

blah blah blah

Today was uneventful. I’ve been cleaning a lot lately.  I was sorting through some of my mom’s old paperwork today. I still haven’t gotten around to putting all her stuff away. I figured now is as good a time as any. I found old school work of ours (me and the siblings) some certificates of achievement, shot records, old report cards, etc. I put anything with my brother’s name on it aside, I figured I may as well give it to him.. that is if the shithead has a drop of sentiment in him. There is a lot of stuff so it’s going to be a while before I get everything straightened out.

The spring semester will be here soon. I have a few more math classes to take before I can even consider teaching the mathematically challenged. This time last year I was in Miami so I decided to attend class locally this year. It’s a good thing too; Los Angeles seems to be the warmest place around right now. I thought about taking another journalism class for fun but I’ll think I’ll wait to see my required curriculum. I do not want to bite off more than I can chew especially since I am so close to reaching my goal.

I forgot I was writing this lol I was cleaning out old emails and didn’t realize I was blogging… oh well this is good enough for now. I shall write later when I have something significant to say.

Cheerio